Too often, when people think of the abortion issue, they think of confrontation. We must change this. Ultimately, the pro-life message is a message of hope, and it should be presented with a spirit of love and peace. But what many of us often lack when engaging with someone from the pro-choice side of the debate is the ability to truly converse with peace – to engage rather than confront.

     But what does it mean to converse? How can we, as advocates for life, effectively communicate with the other side?

     It is tempting to assume you know what the pro-choice person you are talking to is going to say and what arguments they are going to bring up. Trust me, I understand. It is easy to get into the mindset of, “I’ve heard this all before.” And maybe you have. But failing to genuinely pay attention to their points is failing to effectively communicate with them.

      Think about how you feel when someone doesn’t really hear you – when they listen to your words, and then interpret them wrongly, perhaps even insultingly so. We who teach pro-life values often have people misinterpret our beliefs and accuse us of meaning things we never said and don’t believe. It’s a terrible feeling, isn’t it? That kind of misinterpretation often leads to the conversation breaking down.

      Unfortunately, if we’re not careful, we can be the ones who cause this. When we tune people out, assuming we know what they’re saying, it becomes easy to miss the nuances of their points, generalize their argument when responding, and make them feel disrespected.

      This is the exact opposite of what we should be aiming for as communicators (and is doubly bad for those of us who are Christians)!

      So here’s what to do instead: Show them that you do value their time and thoughts on the matter. Listen in order to understand what they are saying, but also listen in order to respond appropriately. When you pay attention to their arguments, the responses you make will be far more effective because they directly respond to the other person’s actual point.

      Show them that you respect them, even if you disagree with them. Show them that you are willing to take the time to think about their specific points in order to better understand the other side and be better equipped to answer.

      One of the best techniques you can use in a conversation with a pro-choice person is seeking common ground. Search for something that both of you can agree on.

      Take Note: Although we hold fundamentally different positions on the topic, it is never wrong to establish the areas in which do you agree! It aids you by establishing credibility, showing respect, relieving tension, and building a relationship that is not based totally on disagreements.

      Maybe you can agree that more must be done to help women who are facing immense challenges with pregnancies, or that abortion is an incredibly painful and difficult decision that almost no woman makes on a whim, or that partial-birth abortion should not be legal.

      This is a necessary step in building a relationship with them. This common ground lays a foundation for you (or someone else) to continue the discussion later.

      Many of us go into a discussion with a pro-choice person with the mindset of convincing them that you are right and they are wrong. While this is a natural instinct, it is incredibly counter-productive to the goal of respectful and thoughtful conversation. If you walk away from the conversation thinking, “Wow, I won that debate for sure!” then you may have just ended that relationship and made it much harder for you (or anyone else) to share the pro-life message of hope with them in the future.

      It is incredibly rare to change a person’s mind on the spot, especially on a serious issue. Most people change through a gradual process of learning, usually through a relationship with good rapport. If you can establish this relationship, you and other advocates can build upon it in the future.

      When we go into a discussion with a pro-choice person, the quickest way to revert to aggression and confrontation is to be focused on “winning.” When you are instead focused on understanding and establishing credibility with them, the tone of the discussion will totally shift from confrontation to conversation. From there, it’s a much easier step from conversation to conversion. 

      This resource provides a comprehensive list of pro-life conversational techniques.

      Excerpt: “I would take some time to explain why I am against abortion in the greater context of being for equal rights for all humans and the belief that all humans should be able to live free from violence.”

      This is a great article that explains the nuts and bolts of the abortion debate, and how to effectively communicate the pro-life message to those who oppose it.

      This is an excellent story that exemplifies logical, kind, and thoughtful interaction with the other side. In this case, she was a hesitant pro-choice college student. Despite her hesitancy towards the topic, however, she changed her mind on the issue after speaking with the pro-life advocate for over an hour.